I got the dreaded call today. The biopsy results. The first lump was benign – just a calcification. But the second lump…Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Breast Cancer.
The word no one wants to say. I was sure my results were going to be benign. My mom had multiple biopsies and lumps removed over the years and they were all benign. Well, until a few years ago – she finally did have a lump that ended up as cancer, the same cancer I now have. However, they caught it early and took care of it.
Shock. How can this be? I feel fine!? How can I have ca……..I can’t even say the word. I texted it to my friend and immediately got choked up – what? This can’t be. I’m young and healthy. I just got a mammogram 6 months ago. Well, it seems they probably caught it early.
But how big is it? I can feel it. Is that a bad sign?
I’m not afraid to die – I’m not even thinking like that. But surgery? Chemo? Radiation? I can’t go through that! I almost passed out trying to remove the bandages after my biopsy. I don’t do well with pain or nausea.
What about my kids? Who’s going to watch them, teach them, take care of them? Who’s going to run the house?
Treatments? How long?
We almost bought a house yesterday – but we were out-bid. I sensed that bad test results were coming when we heard we didn’t get the house. We have been house hunting for months and trying to buy a house before our lease is up in July. It was on my vision board. It was our goal for this year…to finally purchase our first home and end the never ending renting. Thank goodness we don’t have to go through the buying process now. But what? Now we stop house hunting? We keep renting? Our lives have changed. So much for plans and vision boards.
I feel mad at society for how we have allowed our world to become so toxic. Everyone is loaded with toxins – no wonder everyone is getting cancer. Breast cancer is now occurring in 1 in 3 women annually. Why don’t we stop the madness and make a change?
I want to fight – to stop the toxins in our diet. Enough with the processed foods! Enough with the fried foods! Enough with the pesticides and GMOs on all of our produce!
I’ve tried so hard over the last 10 years to be more healthy and less toxic. I have been buying organic when I can. Trying to eat more fruits and veggies. Avoiding processed food. Ridding our home of toxins. Using natural cleaning products and body products. I use essential oils and natural remedies instead of medicine when I can, and we avoid vaccines due to the toxins in those. I even make my own deodorant. But…it’s not enough. I’m still in disbelief.
I can’t say the words out loud. Howe is this happening to me? 1 in 3 women are getting breast cancer. How is this ok?
Is it the phones? Is it wi-fi and 5G?
Is it the anti-depressant I take?
I know God is with me and will walk with me through this. I pray for healing but I pray He will use this for good. I pray He will use this to help bring about change. To help other families also affected by cancer. To glorify God by faith or healing or whatever way He desires.
God is all knowing and all powerful. Nothing happens that isn’t in His control. He will help us through this. I just pray for healing so I can be available to my family and that He can see this to bring about change and glory for Him.
[From my diary on May 1, 2023, the day I received the call that I had breast cancer.]